NIGHTSWIMMING

“Nightswimming deserves a quiet night”

The journey over there was actually pretty quiet. I remember seeing you and my heart felt full, but things were noticeably strange, you were distant with me and my friend whom I was with looked at me and simply said “Frosty the snowman” both he and I understood what that meant, It’s our typical English humour and that uncanny ability between long term friends to share a lot with few words.

“The photograph on the dashboard taken years ago,
turned around backwards so the windshield shows
Every street light reveals a picture in reverse
Still it’s so much clearer”

“I forgot my shirt at the water’s edge
The moon is low tonight”

Do you remember that walk through the dunes in (or near) the beach, you were worried that there may be troublemakers there but there wasn’t and to this day I don’t know why you would have thought that as there was no-one around and it was bitterly cold.

We could hear the crash of waves on the beach, the frothy crests highlighted by the lamps behind us, the sand empty and cold, and here we were shivering in the freezing wee hours of a November morning. The night was black and the stars were out, the only warmth I felt was your hand in mine, a small oasis of heat in a cold, monochrome world.

“Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.
I’m not sure all these people understand
It’s not like years ago
The fear of getting caught
The recklessness in water
They cannot see me naked
These things they go away
Replaced by every day”

We waited by a tram stop and we were all shivering with the cold so much so our teeth were chattering, it was so cold and bitter that night, I actually just shivered again from the memory of it. A tram came eventually, a small oasis of light in a dark night we were all grateful for the heat, I loved that you spoke in your native tongue to the driver, and English to me and my friend, it made it all so much more real.

“Nightswimming,
remembering that night
September’s coming soon
I’m pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit around the fairest sun?
The bright tide forever drawn
Could not describe nightswimming”

But it fell apart back at that caravan, it was so cold there was literally ice on the walls inside;  we cuddled under the woefully thin duvet for warmth, I wanted you so much then, looking into your eyes in the darkened room. We could see our breath as plumes in the darkness. It all seemed fitting really I suppose given that is where it ended and how it ended.  But I felt your smooth skin under my touch, and my mouth against yours. I held you close for that last time, and then the bombshell came.

“You, I thought I knew you
You, I cannot judge
You, I thought you knew me
This one laughing quietly
Underneath my breath
Nightswimming”

That was the most inopportune time to end it as you did, you really had not thought that through well, me in bed with you in a foreign land. Especially after the day and night we had had, all those events overshadowed by your words that cut into my heart whilst we were in bed of all places. Was that entire time with me fake, you just building up to have the balls drop that news, what a time to do it though, whilst we were fucking of all things, surely when I arrived in country was the better time to say something or even before I had dragged my arse all the way there. What the hell was going through your mind at that point?

“The photograph reflects
Every street light a reminder
Nightswimming
Deserves a quiet night
Deserves a quiet night”

And that was it really, I needed to leave, despite the freezing weather, despite the hour I left the bed, the warmth had dissipated and I started to dress, I was on auto mode and my friend in the other room with C had not known about our words at that time but he knew something was up as he knew right at the beginning when he said “frosty the snowman” in relation to how you and C were acting around us (if only I had known then).

It was a long wait to get back to the UK, the cold ate at me although by this time it was not just the temperature at that time of year, but more than that; that was so callous and yet still I cannot use the words “fucking bitch” which is what I really felt deep down, I just wanted to leave and never come back. I left that day having spent less than 24 hours with you, and it would be years before I saw you again after forgiveness crept it, and even that later visit holds bittersweet memories and more hurt (why do I not learn my lessons?)

Despite all this I hope that you have found the happiness that you were looking for, and I hope that you never forget me and that sometimes I may come to mind, even if just for a fleeting moment as you wonder I wonder how/where S is and you remember the words you said to me a few months before that visit.

“Nightswimming deserves a quiet night”

NOTES: The official meaning behind this track has nothing to do with the actual experience, it is here because the tone of it reminds me of that time

Do you get anything from this track?

Moi…

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